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Animal
House Folly
Farm Blog
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Dear Dr Kitty, Last week my pet human brought home a nine-week-old-kitten. To say that I’m upset is an understatement. I’ve been with this man seven years and given him the best years of my life and now he is bringing home a younger woman. What should I do? Yours furfully, Dear Serena, Is your human undergoing a mid-life crisis? Older males tend to look at younger women when they hit “that certain age”. It is very important not to alienate your pet so when he is around pretend that you and this “trollop” are the best of friends. Play with her, groom her, if necessary you will need to share your bed with her. However when he’s not looking make her life a living hell. Hide behind doors and leap on her unexpectedly when she’s walking past. Steal her toys and sit in front of her food bowl glaring in a menacing manner. If you can keep up this regime for a few weeks you will find that she turns into a neurotic wreck who urinates in inappropriate places. Your human will be so disgusted with her inability to fit into his ménage a trios (whereas you have shown yourself to be perfectly amenable to this new arrangement) that he will get rid of her and come back to you. When he does show him forgiveness but do give him the impression that if he tries it again you will be off to pastures new. He will be so frightened of losing you he’ll never try look at another cat ever again. I really don’t think this is a serious situation- more a case of the seven-year itch. Best Wishes, Dear Kitty, Some would call me a loner, perhaps I am. I enjoy sitting on fences looking at the moon and sleeping in cupboards- but alone. However my human is always trying to involve me in her activities. Last night I had to endure sitting on her knee for an hour while she watched “Desperate Housewives”. I have no objection to her feeding me or cleaning out my litter box- that’s as it should be. However I feel trapped in an obsessive relationship where I’m not allowed my own space. What should I do? Yours furfully, Dear Geronimo, You need to set boundaries in this relationship. Let your pet know in no uncertain terms that she needs to respect your alone time. You can do this by ignoring her when she talks to you or turning around and walking away when she calls your name. She will soon realise she can’t gain your attention by her inappropriate behaviour. However there does need to be give and take in any relationship so you will need to compromise. When you sense she is feeling a bit depressed from sitting at home alone every night jump up and settle on her knee for an hour’s sleep. She will so be pathetically grateful that you have noticed her that she will let you lie in agonising positions that cut off her circulation without daring to move. Also always remember that although cats are eminently superior to humans and extremely self-sufficient no cat is an island. Kind Regards, Deer Doktor Kitte, Eye reelly lik kats butt they dunt seem tu lik me much. Wot can I du? Luv, Dear Rex, Cats are fastidious so never approach one straight after drinking out of the toilet bowl. Don’t wag your tail or stare them in the eyes- I realise this means friendliness to a dog but a cat sees it as aggression. Let them share your food, take the blame if they smash or destroy anything and never ever chase them up a tree. If you can possibly tolerate a domineering relationship then allow them to treat you as their slave and you may be honoured to call a cat your friend. Good Luck! About the Author: Dr Kitty McPurrson graduated from the University of Friskies with a PhD in Human/Feline Interpersonal Relationships. She is the author of two best selling self-help books “How To Train Your Pet: A Twelve Step Program To Improving Your Human’s Behaviour” and “Cats Are From Venus, Humans Are From Mars”, as well as a supernatural anthology “Tales From Around the Litter Tray” and a collection of her poetry “Paws For Thought”. A frequent guest on Opurr she is a popular motivational speaker on how to improve interspecies interaction. ©Jen Longshaw
2001-2006 Please do not copy in any manner, print or electronic,
without permission from the author.
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